Can Switzerland be broken up?
As Libya’s Gaddafi is getting ready to speak before the UN General Assembly, we thought it is time to consider that question more seriously. His foreign minister, after all, will preside the body for the next year. And Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, probably fed-up with all the diplomatic tact and boring dark suits, proposed to break up Switzerland, in case you missed it. The place is “a world mafia, not a state,” he said. A couple of months ago the German finance minister, Peer Steinbrück, had already proposed to send the cavalry to do away with the money-launderers in the Alps.
We Europeans, you will understand, take all things UN very seriously. Sure, Switzerland entered the UN in 2002. But that bunch of cantons never applied for EU membership. As a result it looks like a bird dropping on Europe’s neat map. Now Gaddafi proposed to “wipe it off.” Right. To break it up and give the French part to the French, the German part to the Germans, and that one Italian canton to the Italians. Sounds good, you might think (if you’re not Swiss or Italian).
So, can it be done? Our analysis: forget it.
The drag starts with the casus belli already. You need a reason for going to war, or at least it helps. At first glance, the “safe haven” trick might work: the Swiss live on inaccessible, landlocked mountains; many have long bushy beards; they hate foreigners; they don’t let their womenfolk vote (at least not until recently); every other village seems to have its own funny language; they quarrel amongst each other; everybody has a gun at home; and there’s a big supply of religious nuts. Problem is, there’re no terrorists.
OK, you could say they are a financial safe haven. After all they bunker loads of secret money. Germany tried to go down that road and had Switzerland put on an OECD black list for rogue states. Problem is, that won’t get you Article 5 and NATO support. So no invasion there.
Well, you’ll think, screw terrorism and NATO and do the WMD thing. Bern, Baghdad? Clearly they are messing with nuclear power plants. They have dodgy high-tech factories all over the place, surely some of them mobile. It should be easy to find tons of aluminum tubes. And they can ship all sorts of things to London in 45 minutes. Problem is — World War I, World War II — they never attacked anybody.
Good. So ignore the casus belli. Who needs that anyway? Think operational. But here the real headache only begins. You think insurgency is new? Recent field manuals? Swiss Wanderhackbauern harassed European powers well before Americans could start their own insurgency against the British. Back then. Erasmus of Rotterdam already called them “butchers” in the early 1500s (veluti carnifex quispiam ad lanienam precio emptus). Swiss officers have been publishing insurgency manuals since the 1950s. With a 450-years delay, you might think. Well, they might be slow, but they mean business (Der totale Widerstand).
Yeah, doctrine, you’ll say, history, pah — what counts is action. But here it gets even worse. Ever heard of the Réduit? Switzerland is probably the only country that has a national security strategy of insurgency. In the case of war, ruthless mountain warriors would harass the enemy in what they call Middle Earth, probably a deterrent hint to Mordor, and maintain their sovereignty in the Zentralraum, as the generals called it in 1940. The Swiss have the means to resist, such as fighter jets hidden in steep mountains walls, ready to swoop out, and they have the will to resist — after all tiny Switzerland deterred the Wehrmacht. Korengal will be a cakewalk against Appenzell.
So go ahead, Gaddafi, send Hannibal to the Alps. We’ll sit and watch the fun.
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Amusing post, Mr. Rid.
I personally have a French-Swiss aunt and two cousins. When I visited them in 1975, my wid-eyed teenage cousin brought out his magnificent SiG assault rifle, for me to gawk at. I remember it was kept in a clear see-through plastic bag.
Yes, good luck with that, Colonel Gaddafi.
Splendid post!
Good luck to the Colonel….
Several problems: everyone is armed to the teeth and the bridges are set to blow!
They have all the gold. Even the ones with little swastikas on .. so, the bankers will stop it before any army got close to thinking about it..
Umm, any invading army who eats their weird potato rosti dish will die of a heart-attack; you get some potato with a plate of salt normally..
Oh, and it’s the dullest place on planet earth. Even duller than a bunker lit by an energy saving lightbulb.
I’m sure The Economist would say it was vital to the world economy too… and they’re probably right for macro-economic reasons that I don’t quite follow.
But it’s nice to have welcomed the Colonel back into the fold, if for no other reason than the comedic value of him having a swipe at the nature of another state…. I’m looking forward to the Libyan elections keenly.
Hmmm…an interesting question. My spies tell me that there is no danger of a break up. Although there is no love lost across the Roestigraben, there is even less affection between Les Suisses Romandes and the French (the Genèvois still enthuiastically celebrate L’escalade each December, the anniversary of their defeating the Savoyards, and Charles of Burgundy’s plans to consolidate French power were foiled at Grandson, also proudly remembered). Similarly, there is no appetite for Anschlüss between Die Schweizers and their Teutonic brethern (as for the Ticanese, even the Italians beat the Libyans…) Minority politics plays well, but the Golden Formula of power sharing and consensus building is strong enough to keep the country together.
If Switzerland didn’t exist it would need to be invented. The four original cantons banded together in the recognition of a their unique economic power: the controlled the mountain passes and could impose the necessary tarriffs and levies if they worked together to form a monopoly. They did so and the rest is history.
As for ‘lay back patrols’ and ‘active resistance’, the reserve system still functions, with a gun under every bed and a bomb shelter in every house. Farmers’ fields can still be seen, on close inspection, to conceal dragons’ teeth in their hedgerows and the Swiss air force is one of the largest per capita in Europe. HOWEVER, issues of quality and the questions on continued investment of the Army have been raised recently. I am not sure that some sabre-rattling from North Africa will be enough to reduce the trend of neglect and atrophy.
As for the politicians in France, Germany and the US looking to beat up Swiss bankers in gray suits, it is merely the sound and fury of populists looking for easy targets. It, too, will signify nothing. Switzerland, Andorra, Monaco, and Liechtenstein all have their place in the financial framework. Indeed a great deal of capital and financial management is moving from the City to Geneva, and not just because of the better weather and great skiing.
En fin, just because the son of some tinpot crank beats up his ‘maid’ and gets caught in the act, there is no need to call out the army. Du calme, mon colonel, du calme.
Excellent :)
For The Faceless Bureaucrat: don’t confuse Charles of Burgundy (Charles le Témeraire) and his territorial ambitions with those of the French. Indeed, Charles was one of French King’s worst enemy and rival and the Swiss were allied to King Louis XI when they defeated the Bourguignons (mainly Picards, Dutch and some Germans) at Grandson….
Remember that Switzerland has a powerful ally: they form the tiny but smart army of Pope Benedict XVI….God be upon him
Stéphane
“After all tiny Switzerland deterred the Wehrmacht.” Or maybe a respected international banking system to launder your stolen money was more useful to the Nazi’s than a potential rebellious occupied country.
The Swiss cooperated a lot with the Nazi’s. Not that I blame them, they had no choice. For example, the Swiss arms factories were working exclusively for the Germans and would have been destroyed on a German invasion. The same goes for the railway connections. A neutral and neutralized Switzerland was simply more convenient for the Germans.
By the way, the reduit does not exist anymore, most of the large fortresses were dismanteled after 1995.
Staillat,
If it quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, it is a duck, Burgundy or other coloured! ; )
Yeah, but they walked like German and Dutch ducks…..
Bas: good points. But let’s keep in mind this post is meant to be a rare specimen of light-hearted COIN-satire (admittedly, I’m not exactly practiced in writing those).
Brilliant! :-)
Even if we set aside a preferred (though not absolutely necessary) casus belli, logistics, likelihood of insurgency, etc, there is still one problem with that. For the time being at least any suggestion of changing European borders makes a great number of politicians frown and mutter and wonder how to absolutely ruin your life. Russia got away with it because Georgia launched the first attacks and Russia has diplomatic norms closer to Africa or South Asia than it does to Europe. But for Germany, France, and Italy to try it could wreck the Pax Europa in days. I don’t think Gaddafi understands the First World realities as much as he understands opportunity.